Why Scott Tenorman Must Die

...is the best The Art Of War lesson you can get.

Scott Tenorman Must Die is a most amazing South Park episode. In it, young Eric Cartman is duped into buying teenage Scott Tenorman's pubic hair. Cartman tries to get his money back, but Scott manages to trick even more money out of Cartman, makes Cartman beg and sing 'I'm a little piggy' for it, then burns the money in front of him. Cartman plots his revenge...

The Art Of War is split into thirteen different sections, with slightly different chapter titles for each of its translations. I've taken out a few sections that were a bit redundant, and switched the order around slightly to better illustrate my points. The basic Lional Giles translation is here.  

Laying Plans

All warfare is based on deception.

According as circumstances are favorable, one should modify one's plans.

Cartman does not go into this war lightly. He allows himself to be made fun of by Scott multiple times in his attempts to get his money back, before finally laying plans to really get back at Scott. He tells the neighbourhood children about his plan to get a pony to bite off Scott's penis. They ignore Cartman and refuse to help him, but Cartman tries to train the pony anyway; and upon spying on Scott and discovering that Scott likes Radiohead, plots to embarrass Scott in front of Radiohead.

Waging War

There is no instance of a country having benefited from prolonged warfare.

Cartman lures Scott to come to the town centre, where Cartman has set-up a screen with his voice dubbed over the Radiohead members, talking about how much they hate Scott. Scott shows his own adept war tactics by intercepting the video feed and plays the video of Cartman begging for his money and singing 'I'm a little piggy'. Cartman is laughed at by the whole town, and Kenny dies laughing. Cartman quickly retreats.

Attack by Stratagem

Hence the saying:  If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles.  If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.

Cartman regroups himself by writing to Radiohead, posing as a sick boy with cancer, begging them to come to South Park. 

Tactical Dispositions

Standing on the defensive indicates insufficient strength; attacking, a superabundance of strength.

After the ungainly failure, Cartman falls back and appears to resume his plan of having the pony bite off Scott's penis. Cartman tells Stan & Kyle of his plan to get the pony to bite off Scott's penis at his chili cook-off in front of Radiohead. Cartman then invites Scott to the cook-off, with a ticket for a free pony ride. Unfortunately he inadvertently creates  an opportunity for the enemy as Scott cooks up pubic hair chili with the intention of having Cartman eat it.

The Use of Spies

Having doomed spies, doing certain things openly for purposes of deception, and allowing our spies to know of them and report them to the enemy.

Cartman informed Stan and Kyle of his plan to get the pony to bite of Scott's penis, because he knew that they would betray him, and tell Scott of his plan. 

Terrain

Hence the saying:  If you know the enemy and know yourself, your victory will not stand in doubt; if you know Heaven and know Earth, you may make your victory complete.

Cartman has lured Scott Tenorman into his own yard by way of the chili cook-off, but Scott has brought his own ammunition – pubic hair chili. They verbally spar by cooing at each other about how much Cartman wants Scott to go on the pony ride, and Scott wants Cartman to try his chili immediately. Cartman also wrote to Radiohead as himself, so that they would visit him at his home, during the chili cook-off..

Weak Points & Strong

O divine art of subtlety and secrecy!  Through you we learn to be invisible, through you inaudible; and hence we can hold the enemy's fate in our hands.

Cartman knows that the pony is owned by an old farmer who shoots trespassers on sight, and that upon Stan & Kyle betraying him, Scott would tell his parents about an abandoned pony so that they would go out and try to save it. Cartman also anticipated Scott's pubic hair chili, and switched his chili with Chef's.

#####

Cartman and Scott sit at the table, and Cartman happily scarfs down what Scott and everyone else thinks is Scott's pubic hair chili, but Cartman has already switched it with Chef's. As Scott begins to reveal his secret ingredient, Cartman tells him that he knows, and that he is eating Chef's chili. He also reveals how he knew that Stan & Kyle would betray him, that Scott would send his parents to the pony, and that the farmer would shoot trespassers on sight, so he took the bodies and mixed it into his chili, which Scott has eaten halfway. Scott sees his mother's finger in the chili and starts to cry, as Radiohead shows up and berate him for being a wimp.

AMAZING YES? AMAZING NO? AMAZING YES!

If I could only have such incredible forbearance and tenacity, I think I would be a more successful person.