I know what you're thinking. What do you mean elusive? How can life be elusive, don't we all live? Putting it into context would involve thinking about the term 'get a life'. What does it mean to get a life?
Do you have a life if all you do is work in a factory line, go home, feed your dog, play with your dog and eat TV ready meals? What if you truly enjoyed it? Conversely what if you went out every night and met people, young, cool, hip, influential people, people who partied and drank and knew all the coolest things. Do you then 'have a life'?
At one point in my life I truly believed I would not go to and definitely did not need to go to university. But now that I have, now that I've gotten my mandatory Bachelor's degree (and a shit grade to boot, though completely my own fault), I'm faced with what I can only refer to as The Rest Of My Life and all I can say is, it feels like shit.
I used to read Goosebumps books by R.L Stine when I was about 10-12, and a particular series was called Give Yourself Goosebumps. These creepy books had you picking pages to make different choices and if you made a lousy one you'd be faced with a sticky end. When you apply this to my life now - HOLY COW! I mean, no, really, HOLY COW WTF! Is there anything I can do that WON'T lead to the destruction of the rest of my life, be it complete destruction, material or emotional, or mediocrity forever?
I have this persistent feeling of distress and antsiness, and I've come to theorize that it comes from two different sides of oneself. One side insists it has to get better than this, and the other is slowly coming to realize that it isn't. At my age, at my current life situation, at my current mindset, I am at my prime to be hit by this the hardest. When one gets older one probably gets better at causing life to be better than this and/or accepting that it's okay if it doesn't, leading to more inner calm but not necessarily happiness.
Life, you are such a strange and elusive thing. I wish we could all be apes again.
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