Clarence The Houseguest.

My friend Clarence* is homeless. Although he has an inheritance and student loan, he is 'unable' to find a short term place to let while he is in between leases. I live in a storeroom with a bed in it. My friend Rachel was homeless for a week, so she was staying with me at the time. It's a massive room with stuff all around it and a double bed in the middle.

The first night Clarence stayed it was supposed to be a one off thing, and I hemmed and hawwed about it and told him how my friend was staying and I didn't want my landlord to see so many people there. This was very strategic because I was okay with him staying now and then, but not all the time, especially not since I myself am in transition. But then Tofu** got stoned and started telling him how if he couldn't find anywhere else - just ask, man, just ask. Then when Clarence was going to bed at approx. 5-6 am he kept talking to Rachel until she had to go sit in the kitchen. In the morning we had to ask him repeatedly to get up and fold the bedding we'd set out for him before he did, thus leaving about an hour later than we'd intended to.

The second night Clarence brought a cat. We had him sleep in Tofu's room instead of mine because Rachel is allergic to cats and I don't want her to be uncomfortable in more ways than one. Didn't hang out much that night, partially because he only got there pretty late, maybe 11-12ish. Much later when Rachel and I were asleep Tofu came in and said Clarence kept laughing and he couldn't sleep, so he slept with us. Which Rachel's on-off boyfriend was rather mad about, haha. Went out before Clarence left, came back and Tofu said he only left at 2:30pm. And the cat pooped on his blanket.

THE THIRD NIGHT, Tofu and I were in the park after work when Clarence called at about 12:30 am. He asked stuff about whether he could stay tonight/tomorrow night and whether he could leave some stuff at my place. I said he could leave his stuff and stay tomorrow night, and then he said 'What about tonight?'. I said 'Tonight's not so good.' and he said 'Why?'. Having just drank a bit I didn't have the clarity of mind to say that I didn't have to explain to someone why calling me at 12:30 am if he could stay at my place wouldn't work so well for me.

So I mumbled some stuff about it not being convenient and really late and my friend still being there. He persisted some more, and we gave in. Then comes the problem of asking him where he was. By this time I'd gotten sick of talking about it and Tofu started talking to him about which tube station was closest. This went on for a while until I pointed out that he might not make the last tube. Tofu, being rubbish at knowing about public transportation, made me talk to Clarence again. He finally told me he was near Old Street/Shoreditch - an AREA - as opposed to the name of the street he was on when I'd asked him earlier which I wouldn't have any clue about. Tofu and I both breathed a sigh of relief when I told him to just get the 43 bus from Old Street. He says okay, and I tell him to call when he gets on the 43.

We spend the next hour not knowing what is going on, but struggle to stay awake. At 1:40 am Clarence calls, and say he is at London Bridge. FUCKING LONDON BRIDGE. He took over an hour to get a fucking small distance in the fucking wrong direction. I'm in Muswell Hill, which is North London. Old Street is Central London, but slightly to the East. London Bridge is in Central, but borderline South London. Fucking A.

I am starting to get really Pissed Off at this point. Tofu and I get up to get the bedding from the room Rachel's sleeping in. We watch an episode of King Of Queens but I fall asleep near the ending because I am so tired. I tell Tofu he is going to have to let Clarence in. He starts complaining strongly because he 'got up so many times already'. He got up three times.

#1. He got up because he had to pee. He wanted to watch King Of Queens and I was too tired to want to watch it enough to get it, so he tried to. Rachel leaves her computer on to play episodes of King Of Queens while she falls asleep to it, so it was playing. He is terrified of Rachel so he runs away, leaving both her door and his own door open.

#2. He has to get up to close both the doors.

#3. We both get up to get the bedding for Clarence, and I get my netbook.

Which makes it completely unfair that he keeps going on about how he had to get up so many times, which I keep pointing out and saying 'You. Had. To. Pee.' He whines again and again about how many times he had to get up, and I keep repeating the reasons behind why he got up. We start getting louder, and all he keeps saying is he had to get up so many times, and I keep pointing out how HE HAD TO PEE AND HE HAD TO GET UP AGAIN BECAUSE OF HIS OWN FAULT AND AFTER THAT I GOT UP TOO. But now it's reached the point where he keeps shushing me and telling me to shut up and stop in the middle of my talking. And I stop. And he doesn't respond to ANYTHING I just said, so I repeat it again. And he shushes me again. And I wait again. And so on. Thrown into that is that whenever I complain about how rubbish Clarence is, he keeps defending Clarence. Which branches into how he is always on other people's side and so nice to everyone, except me. Which he refuses to listen to at all. Then I get so mad I sit outside and read for a while.

When I come back he tells me to go to sleep and that he'll let Clarence in. It is 2:40 am.

Clarence shows up at just past 3 am. Tofu lets him in, I am half-asleep but I can still hear them. Clarence asks if we've been sleeping. Tofu says 'not really' and he says 'Why not?'. I am SO tired that I am unable to start yelling at him about WHY WE DID NOT SLEEP. Clarence messes about a bit more, telling Tofu he has to go brush his teeth or some other unimportant rubbish he should shut up and do instead of talking about doing. Then he says 'Where should I put the cat?' and I am so fucking sick of it all I say 'What the fuck.' loudly, while Tofu says 'You've still got the cat, man?'. Clarence then says he is joking. I somehow get even more fucking sick of it than I already am and pull the duvet over my head and whine very very very softly to Tofu to please make it stop and he comforts me slightly.

After some time Clarence stops and I fall into restless sleep.

In the morning I wake up at 8:40 and my body aches and feels like I'm sinking into the bed with exhaustion. I force myself to go back to sleep. At 10 something Tofu and I start waking up and blowing farts on each other, and Clarence says [as a joke] 'I think you guys should leave the room.' Which isn't fucking funny at all.

Tofu starts Skyping his mother and I eat with Rachel. Tofu eats and hangs around and refuses to sit in my room because he doesn't want to leave Clarence alone although he is sleeping. I shower and get ready and Clarence finally gets up. Tofu and I tell Clarence he has to put his bedding back, and he just dumps it back in a messy pile without folding it. Despite being here before and seeing and unfolding and refolding the same old same shit the previous two nights he slept over. Tofu goes back to his room and Clarence is hanging around mine and I go tell him he has to tell Clarence to fold it. I come back in and Tofu is folding Clarence's fucking shit and Clarence looks at me and says 'I didn't know I had to fold it.'

I don't know who I am madder at. I know Tofu must have told him something like 'Claudia says you have to fold it.' because it is typical of him to villianize me like he always fucking does. If someone rams into me while I am standing still in the supermarket he snaps at me to 'Watch out!/Get out of the way!'.

When we are on the way out Clarence suddenly realizes he doesn't have his phone. He searches my room, Tofu's room, his bags about three times each for about fifteen minutes. Tofu and I get bored of trying to help this scatterbrain so we stand in front of the full length mirror in the kitchen (haha) and check ourselves out. Clarence comes in and says he can't find it, and I say are you sure it's not in here, and poke the breast pocket on his shirt. It feels hard, so I reach in and pull out his missing phone.

Tofu and I were going to Camden that day. Clarence didn't have anywhere to go and figured he would go to town, so he took the same bus and then later evolved to getting off with us and then kept walking down the street with us but really slowly. When he finally went off we started walking very quickly because I was very hungry. The End.

(There is more about his odd phone call and our soft-hearted concern about his abode for that night as well, but it's best to just leave it at that.)

*Not his real name.
**Not his real name either.